Friday, May 04, 2007


Tia teases me on our runs because I can never decide if I am going to resign myself to my husband's desire to be a father, or maintain my no-baby position I've held since I was 11 and realized that being pregnant makes you throw up and giving birth could be the most pain I will ever be in (more than the eighth and fastest 800 repeat or running a full marathon after no training), or if I will fully embrace motherhood in all its glowy, baby-powder-smelling, liquid-poopy diapered glory.

Since she is anxious to start a family soon after her September wedding, babies are often something we talk about on our runs and every day I have a new reaction to proposals that Wes and I might have kids. Some days I say "if Wes and I have babies ..." other days its "when" ... I have introduced her to Mom's special phrase for me - "new day, new deal" - and she says it to me now whenever I change my mind.

Wes and I have names for two girl babies that I love, however he says we'll never need them because we are only having boys. We have nothing special picked out that we would like to name a son.

Sometimes I think I want a baby. But usually is more for company when Wes is working night shift and I'm lonely, than because I want to be a mother. That to me is no better than women who decide to have babies without husbands because they think it will fill some hole in their lives that a man has never fulfilled (did you see Grey's Anatomy last night?). When I think of the responsibility that will come with a baby, I change my mind and decide that I will definitely want Wes around as much as possible, even more than I already do!

The bottom line is that someday I will be ready for kids. Someday I will have a Chloe middle-name-to-be-determined and a Layla Beth (and maybe even a little Sean Wesley). It won't happen anytime soon, but when we're all ready (me and Wes and God, who teaches me lessons every day that will someday help me to be a good mom), I will knit this for my little girl to wear.

No comments: